Crash

I know I haven't said very much about the true state of my personal life since my breakup, months ago. At the time I even deleted most of the posts that mentioned him, because I wanted to be respectful, and as I didn't have his permission to write about him, I took no liberties. My attitude this morning has adjusted quite a bit.

Last night, after 6 months apart, and making very painstaking steps recently toward healing and reuniting, I sat under the stars with my heart's desire and the barriers between us seemed to just crumble down. He was sweet, and affectionate and full of questions about my day, my week, my last few months, my feelings, my plans. Finally at one point I looked at him and said, "I miss you so much." He looked like he was going to cry, and immediately reached out, and we embraced, and gushed, and kissed, and talked. Little kisses turned to real kisses turned to passionate kisses, and I thought: YES! He's worked out all his issues! He DOES still want to be with me. My patience is being rewarded! My wishes have come true!

And just when it couldn't have been more beautiful, and more joyous - he asked if we could have occasional sex since he's in a long-distance relationship now, that began before we split, and he isn't getting enough sex, what with her living in L.A.

He has just tossed my broken heart into a VitaMix and pushed the "Puree" button.

After all of my sincere concern for him over these last 6 months, the constant pain of missing him, and how hollow all of my attempts at dating have been, because my heart was truly his ... after all this, he asks for booty calls to tide him over between trips to see a girl in Los Angeles.

I'm gutted. I didn't see this coming at all. To devalue me like that after the beautiful relationship we had, to devalue himself as well, not to mention this poor woman in L.A. who thinks she has a true heart that cares for her in Minneapolis. I don't even know who he is anymore.

I pretty much cried all night. Partly because of what was said, partly because his eyelashes are so thick and beautiful, and partly because I ached to take him up on his proposition, I'm ashamed to say. But of course I can't, and of course I won't.

I'm just sick about this, and there's no fixing it. No more 'waiting for him to snap out of it', no more imagining how we can fix things someday. I just want to crawl into a cave for a little while now.